Creating a more helpful way of thinking.
The way that we feel affects how we think. When we feel down, we think about ourselves, the world and the future in a more negative way.
For example, when our mood is low, we have less confidence in our selves and judge ourselves more harshly. We are more likely to think we are worthless, inadequate, or helpless. We may believe no one understands or cares about us, and we feel alone. We believe nothing will improve and the future will be bleak.
When we think in this way, we feel worse, and our lower mood makes us think even more negatively.
This creates a downward spiral with lower mood and increasing fears and anxiety and a more and more negative way of thinking. We often think undermining and derogatory thoughts about ourselves, focus only on the bad things that are happening in the world and loose all hope for the future.
In this situation our thinking can become quite distorted and irrational but because what we are thinking fits with how we feel we experience it as the Truth. Our logical mind knows that our thinking is irrational, but our instincts are to believe, and act on, what we feel.
We evolved in a dangerous world with frequent attacks by animals or other people, and periods of lack of food and adverse conditions.
We depended on the people in the group we were born into for our survival. Worrying about what the others thought about us, and being aware and concerned about the affect of our behavior on them made us less likely to be excluded from the group.
Thinking the worst and running or hiding when there was a movement in the trees made it more likely we would escape from attack. Expecting ongoing danger or problems encouraged us to remains wary and plan ahead.
Because our environment is much safer and we have the potential for relationships and support from many people, thinking patterns which are negative and, pessimistic are no longer as realistic or helpful. These ways of thinking still come ‘naturally’ to most of us- especially when we are low or under stress. We have to use our ability to think logically to train ourselves to think about situations realistically and in a more optimistic and helpful way. This helps us feel better and cope better in our current environment.
When other people are feeling low in mood, anxious or stressed we can usually think of realistic and helpful things to say to support and encourage them. This is because we are not feeling the same level of emotion as them, and our logical mind is able to function normally. When we wish to help a friend we are – kind, encouraging, honest, realistic, optimistic and understanding.
When we ‘talk to ourselves’ in a way that is more negative, critical or discouraging than we would speak to a friend in a similar situation it is helpful to change our thinking by –
- Acknowledge that we are thinking in a negative manner which is different to how we talk to other people.
- This thinking is unrealistic, untrue and unhelpful.
- Remind ourselves that it is understandable that we are thinking this way – (it is how we feel) but we need to stop – it is making us feel worse.
- Think about what we would say to a friend in this situation – (this will take time and practice because we are trying to think differently to what our instincts and feelings tell us)
- What is true and helpful for a friend must be also right for us.
- Say to ourselves the things we would say to our friends – repeat these thoughts in a kind and encouraging manner.
It is likely to take many times before our mind starts to accept this different thinking and our feelings start to improve. Don’t give up – with time this will become easier – and ‘second nature’
If others are speaking in an unrealistically negative manner about themselves or their situation when they are upset we will help them by reminding them about the facts, discussing the evidence against what they are saying, or examining the evidence for what they believe. We are deliberately encouraging, kind and optimistic while still being honest and logical. This is how we are aiming to train ourselves to think even when we are upset.
